On January 27, 2009, Jessica went for a routine maintenance treatment at the hospital’s outpatient facility. She was in a very good mood that morning and full of energy. The night before we celebrated my birthday and Jessica blew out the candles on my cake as she did on everyone’s birthday cake! While I was getting ready for work that morning, she was chatting with me and being all silly and giggling. She showed me which baby doll she decided to bring with her to clinic that day. She knew she had to go back for platelets and that typically means a longer day than usual. It was “Jamie”-her favorite doll! I don’t know where she came up with the name…she never really explained. Nonetheless, I knew “Jamie” would come home later wearing a band-aid around her little finger to match the one around Jessie’s finger. Jessica kissed me “goodbye” and off she went with Grandma and Pop-pop with “Jamie” in her baby doll stroller. They arrived at the clinic around 9am. Around 11 o’clock that morning, a sequence of events began as a result of receiving contaminated platelets. By the afternoon, she was on life support.
Twenty-four hours later, I was told her heart was giving out and she needed additional life support equipment – a heart and lung bypass machine – a result of receiving platelets contaminated with bacteria. Her heart was too weak to pump the blood through her body and she was unable to maintain a detectable pulse. Bypass gave her heart the rest it needed and forty-eight hours later, her heart improved significantly. She was getting stronger again, as I knew she would. Her pulse was strong and steady! I played music for her on her Barbie CD player and I hung pictures of her in the cardiac ICU so the doctors and nurses would know the little girl underneath all the wires and tubes. She was so swollen from all the fluids being given to her that she was barely recognizable. I didn’t let her brothers or my parents see her like this. I brought “Jamie” to the hospital and tucked her under Jessie’s left arm because the bypass lines were in the right side of her neck, an area we needed to stay away from.
On the morning of February 5th Jessica had a stroke. There was internal bleeding to her brain and it caused so much damage that it was irreversible. That morning the doctor told me everything above the brain stem had been affected. I don’t think a parent can ever be prepared to let their child go. After everything Jessica had been through, it surely felt as though life was playing a very cruel joke on us. I thought to myself – “Being well on her way to a complete recovery after battling cancer for two years and now this!” She touched so many lives and gave so much to others unconditionally… especially to her family.
We agreed to let the hospital remove her from the bypass machine that night but not from the respirator-I wasn’t ready to say “goodbye” forever. I spent the night lying next to her in her bed. I held her hand and “Jamie” was lying on the other side of her. The respirator was breathing for her because her lungs couldn’t sustain themselves but her heart was strong. I kept my other hand on her heart all night… just to feel it beat… but there was no brain activity. I watched her face hoping for a miracle…but the night was too quiet and uneventful other than the deep pain and sadness we all felt. All that made Jessie’s spirit Jessie was gone from the little body I was holding.
On the morning of February 6th, Jessica was removed from the respirator and placed in my arms as I sat near her bed. I held her for the last time and tried to say “goodbye” to the dream I held in my heart since before she was born. I couldn’t take my eyes off her face nor stop the tears from streaming down mine. I was afraid to look away and yet, afraid to watch her take her last breath. I knew this would be the last time I looked upon her face and got to feel her soft warm cheeks. All I could do was tell her I was sorry… sorry we did not save her. Jessica Rose is “forever” six years old.
“A rose has bloomed in heaven and although we are apart, she blossoms forth in memories in the gardens of my heart.”
At the closing of her celebration of life ceremony on February 12th, 2009, my three teenage sons, Robert, Michael and Nicholas, released live butterflies. Children and butterflies-beautiful, gentle, yet strong and free to soar where there are no limits.
Jessica was one of the strongest people I ever met. She faced every day with the courage that most people wished they had. She gave me wisdom to share, strength for others to lean on and the determination to make a difference. She inspired me to be a better person. She taught me what it means to have hope. I didn’t know what hope was before our journey began.
”Hope shines brightest when the hour is darkest”
– (J. C. Maxwell).
No one should ever have to travel this dark journey. Life as we know it isn’t fair. Jessica is now a beacon to help light the way for others. She lives on in the hearts of all who knew her and her legacy lives on. She will continue to touch many lives through the work of the foundation. I believe from one person’s determination and perseverance, a difference can be made and, therefore, other dreams are possible.
Jessica is still very much a part of my life and my dream. The Jessica Rose Foundation, Inc. is headquartered in the Tampa Bay, FL, area. Our board and committee members are committed to its success. We are currently assisting families in the Greater Tampa Bay area and some day hope to expand to other states. If anyone is interested in helping with the foundation’s mission, feel free to contact me at Maureen@jessicarosefoundation.org
I honor Jessica’s life in many ways. I cherish all the memories she gave me, especially the gift of unconditional love. I treasure the friendships that get me through the darkest moments. I’m committed to helping other families battling childhood cancer and sharing stories of hope and inspiration… not just in memory of Jessica but in memory of all children who lost their battle against cancer… and in honor of all those who continue to fight.
For the children who will be diagnosed tomorrow, I found a way I can make a difference… in my daughter’s name.
Maureen Massari
Mom to Robert, Michael, Nicholas & Jessica Rose
The Jessica Rose Foundation… spreading hope on the wings of a butterfly.
The following poem was on Jessica’s prayer cards:
When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We mortals sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with, the death of one small child.
Who does so much to make our world, seem so wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold.
So He picks a rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, and so He takes but few.
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult still somehow we must try.
The saddest word mankind knows will always be Good-bye.
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind,
Must realize God loves children. ANGELS ARE HARD TO FIND!
